Whenever
I see people quoting/referencing/parodying My
Immortal it’s always one of the same four or five lines. You know the ones.
The
iconic opening paragraph, “Hi my name is
Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair… (et
cetera).”
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”
“I MAY BE A HOGWARTS
STUDENT… BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!”
“Then he put his thingie
into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.”
“And Loopin was
masticating to it!”
As
great as those are, I’d like to throw a spotlight on what I think are some
of the underappreciated parts of this classic work of fanfiction.
Ebony puts blood on her Count Chocula cereal instead of milk.
Enoby is canonically a weeaboo and speaks to her friends in Fangirl Japanese.
Harry’s scar is now a pentagram instead of a lightning bolt, so either he found
some sort of spell to alter the appearance of the scar or he actually took the time to carve a
pentagram into his forehead.
There is an OC named either Tom Riddle or Tom Rid who works at a “punkgoff” store
in Hogsmeade and has absolutely nothing to do with Voldemort, he just happens
to have the exact same name.
Tara somehow got Fred and George mixed up with Crabbe and Goyle.
The reason Snape doesn’t like Harry in this fic is because Snape is Christian
and Harry is a Satanist.
Marty McFly literally appears out of nowhere to help Enoby travel through “tim”
with his “tim machine.”
Chapter 11 ends with Hagrid singing along to “a gothic version of a song by 50
Cent.”
Voldemort inexplicably speaks in Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe.
Voldemort wears high heels.
Draco has a flying black Mercedes-Benz and a black MCR broom.
Snape has a Dork Mark on his penis.
Speaking of penises, Draco is apparently “hung like a stallone.” I guess Tara
is a Rambo fan?
The Hedwig/Voldemort sex scene, wherein Hedwig is a male human instead of a
female owl, for some reason.
Dumbledore flies around on his broomstick while holding a loaf of rye bread. At
least, that’s what I think Tara meant by “Sudenly
a gothic old man flu in on his broomstick. He had lung black hair and a looong
black bread.”
Oh yeah, and Dumbledore is an Avril Lavigne fanboy, because of course he is.
James Potter’s “goff” nickname is Samoro, because Tara erroneously believes
this to be the masculine form of the name Samara.
Draco’s singing voice is described as “a
cross between Gerard, Joel, Chester, Pierre and Marilyn Manson.”
Tara’s brief feud with her editor Raven, as chronicled in the author’s notes, may or may not have had something to do with Raven borrowing Tara’s sweater
and not giving it back. IDK, it’s unclear.
Voldemort smokes a “gothic blak Nightmare b4 Christmas cigar.”
McGonagall has the best insults, like “horny simpletons” and “mediocre dunces” and probably some others I’m forgetting.
Dobby only appears once in the entire fic and literally all he does is watch
Snape and Lupin have sex, and then run away crying.
Sirius is referred to as Harry’s dogfather, and not gonna lie, even if it was a typo I
think that is a genuinely clever pun.
The Hogwarts janitor may or may not be Chuck Norris.
Tara accurately predicted how Harry would defeat Voldemort in Deathly Hallows. No, really. “nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so
voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!!!!!111”
This line: “Snap stated loafing
meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly.”
And this one: “‘Crosio!’ I shited pointing my wound.
Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming.”
“Azerbaijan”
“Hoes of Wax”
“Tom Bombodil”
“Cornelio Fuck”
“Professor Slutborn”
“Preacher McGongol”
“Lumpkin”
“TaEbory”
“The Bark Lord”
“Vadermort”
This is truly the classic of our generation. I want students to explicate this for AP tests.
IT IS NOT RACIST TO TELL SOMEONE THAT THEY ARE DRAWING A EUROPEAN CHARACTER TOO DARK.
The issue here is that a lot of people think that by saying that Southern Europeans have olive skin tones is that they use that to justify making characters like Spain or Portugal black which is inaccurate. And this in general seems kinda fetishy because it basically says we only matter if we are not white.
Olive is not Latino skin tones. Those are different people with different characteristics and you cannot plaster them on your art and get angry when a Spaniard or Italian tells you that you went a bit too dark.
While olive and golden tans can range, they generally don’t get as dark as many artists make them in Southern Europe.
ON THE SAME NOTE. STOP TELLING COSPLAYERS THEY ARE TOO DARK/WHITE/ETC TO COSPLAY A CHARACTER
Cosplay is a different form of art. You can control skin tone in art, you can’t do that in real life. You can control body shape, size etc, in art. It’s not as easy in real life. So stop hurting cosplayers by telling them they cannot cosplay a character they love because they aren’t Asian, Black, White, skinny, tall, short, etc.
Shut the fuck up and let the cosplayer portray the character. They can’t magically change their features to fit what you want. So stop making them feel worse about it.
A white man was throwing racial slurs at a Black FedEx Driver. He started Punching the driver, the FedEx driver punched him back one time, killing the man with One Punch.
*randomly materializes out of a murder of crows with a slurpee in my hand* hey guys what’s up?
*forty bats coalescing into an approximate human form, holding a gatorade* not much, how about you?
* 5 wolves make their presence known with a piercing how before joining in the circle. They clutter together, and take the form of a human with a iced coffee* ‘sup.
*emerges from the back exit of Dairy Queen to take out the garbage* uh.. uhhh.. m-my boss said y’all aren’t allowed to hang out back here…
Gay Hell 