runephoenix6769:

prokopetz:

whatdoyoumeanitsnotawesome:

rhube:

berlynn-wohl:

prokopetz:

ruingaraf:

prokopetz:

I’ll be honest, whenever a work of speculative fiction (fanmade or otherwise) goes out of its way to describe an intelligent species with bizarre and complicated reproductive biology, the first question that invariably pops into my head is: “How do these critters masturbate?”

what if masturbation was uniquely a human experience though

Okay, I know that you meant “what if humans are the only intelligent species that’s anatomically capable of masturbating?”, but now I’m picturing a universe where humans are the only ones that ever thought to try it.

Human masturbation specialists traveling the galaxy to offer our gift, undertaking rigorous study and enormous personal risk to teach weird-ass aliens how to rub one out.

Calculating the exact harmonic frequencies to allow ancient, vacuum-dwelling crystalline intelligences to self-stimulate.

Descending into the crushing atmospheres of gas giants in specially constructed aerostats to design sex toys for the vast, jellyfish-like super-predators that prowl the hurricane slipstreams.

Wanking is our genius. Our legacy.

That last addition is possibly my favourite thing Tumblr has ever done for the world.

I’M FCUKIGN WEHEZENIG

I think my favourite thing about this post is that every time it picks up more notes, I get a wave of folks messaging me to helpfully point out that the described premise isn’t reasonable because other species on Earth masturbate. Like, I grant I didn’t spell it out in excruciating detail, but it should be clear from context that we’re talking about spacefaring species here; every time someone pings me to say “ACTUALLY, the space wank post doesn’t work because walruses also jerk off”, I want you to understand that we’re necessarily proposing a scenario in which walruses have starships.

(And, well, if that’s where you want to take it, just search-and-replace “human” with “Earthling”, and now we have a Terran pan-species alliance carrying the light of wanking to the cosmos. I won’t judge!)

I didn’t think it was possible, but the explanation post made it better.